


To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

by JenniferJF



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-23
Updated: 2011-10-26
Packaged: 2017-10-24 21:32:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/268119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenniferJF/pseuds/JenniferJF
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The world moved on from 5:02 in the afternoon of 22 April 2011.  Only no one's told River's unconscious mind.  This is why she doesn't sleep. If she can help it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Sea of Troubles

_She waited, floating in water so dark it might have been black for all the sunlight penetrating to her level. Thoughts and feelings – emotions so raw they were terrifying in their intensity – floated with her, just out of reach. She kept them just out of reach. Knowing she would be unable to survive them, that if she touched the pain and the fear and the grief for even just a moment they would consume her, she felt nothing. It was the first thing she had ever learned.... The first thing they had ever taught her..._

 _And she had learned the lesson well._

 _But then he was there. On the beach. And she came out to join him. Not because she wanted to – she didn't_ want  _to do anything – but because that's what she had been born to do._

 _Only...._

 _As he came forward to join her..._

 _He looked at her and smiled. And she remembered his voice in her ear, his last breath on her cheek, calling to her even as she killed him. And she could remember the moment she had brought him back, merging her energy with his, herself completely in him. Bringing him back to life. Refusing to lose him just as she was finding him._

 _Love radiated off him like sunlight, embracing her._

 _And she_ felt  _it._

 _Something cracked, deep inside her._

 _And she remembered. She loved him, too._

 _She would not kill him. They could not make her kill him. No one could make her kill him._

 _Only...._

 _Her arm came up and he wouldn't run. He just stood there, loving her, damn him, as she tried to fight it. Wanted to fight it. Did fight it._

 _Couldn't fight it._

 _Didn't want to fight it._

 _The blasts tore through her as surely as through him, ripping her apart. He fell to the sand at her feet. Dead._

 _And even as she screamed out her anguish and fury, somewhere, deep inside, she rejoiced. Because she'd finally done what she'd been born to do...._

 _She'd finally killed the Doctor._

River woke with a start, heart racing in the semi-darkness of the holding cell. Her sheets were damp and twisted about her legs, her pillow wet beneath her cheek. She hadn't meant to sleep. She _didn't_ sleep. Not anymore. Not unless exhaustion overtook her. And even then, never for long.

The guard seated outside her cell was watching her, not even attempting to hide his hatred or his joy in her pain. She pulled herself into a sitting position in the corner of the cot, as far into the darkness as she could go. It was the closest thing to privacy she was likely to have until she was moved to a more permanent facility after her trial.

She was fairly certain, though, that it would be even longer than that before the nightmares stopped. Before she knew the truth... the truth which carried her through every single waking moment... even in sleep.

She hadn't _wanted_ to kill the Doctor. She _hadn't_ killed the Doctor. And, most importantly of all...

The one truth which made life _possible_...

The Doctor wasn't dead.

-o-o-o-o-o-

 _She waited, floating in water so dark it might have been black for all the sunlight penetrating to her level..._

 _And even though she'd dreamed it a hundred times... a thousand times.... And even though she knew it for a dream, now.... Still, she remained as powerless to change it as she had been then. As she'd always been._

 _An observer in her own life._

 _Then he was there. On the beach. And she came out to join him._

 _And just as she had done that first time, and every single time since, she pleaded with him, begging him to run away. To leave her._

 _Please._

“ _No.”_

 _She stopped her pleading. “What did you say?”_

“ _No,” he repeated._

 _Which wasn't what he'd said. Ever. “But I can't stop it,” she tried to explain. Again._

“ _Yes. You can. You_ did _.”_

“ _What?”_

 _He stepped forward and reached for her. His hands gripped her arms – arms which, along with the rest of her, suddenly_ weren't  _in a spacesuit – and forced her to look directly at him. “River?”_

“ _Yes?”_

“ _You're dreaming.”_

 _She smiled despite herself. She'd never had a dream tell her she was dreaming before. “Of course I'm dreaming. I always dream._ You're  _the dream, sweetie.”_

“ _No. I'm real._ This _is the dream,” he explained, releasing her to gesture around the beach. “Not a very good one, I'll admit,” he continued, adding with disgust, “Utah.”_

 _He might be a dream, but he sure sounded like him._

“ _Of course I do. I'm_ me. _Who else should I sound like? Well... actually... I've sounded like quite a few other people before. Only, technically, they were me too... so...” He broke off with a shrug and a smile. “See? Me?”_

 _She laughed, almost willing to believe him. “So, if you're real, and this is my dream, then what are_ you  _doing_ here _?”_

 _He shrugged again and looked a big sheepish. “You were having a nightmare. I stopped it.”_

 “ _Isn't that some sort of invasion of privacy?”_

 _He arched an eyebrow at her. “Under the circumstances? You_ do  _remember what we were doing right before you fell asleep, right? Which, I might add, if you've been having these nightmares for any length of time, I'm suddenly feeling a lot better about...”_

 _And how could anyone possibly manage to look exactly like a five year-old and as ancient as the universe at the same time?_

 _He chuckled. “Practice.” Then, with a look which held absolutely nothing five years-old about it and which quite nearly convinced her he was entirely real, he continued, “Speaking of which, you're going to need sleep. And I need to get out of your dream.”_

 _She tried to suppress her sudden surge of panic at the thought of him leaving._

 _At the thought of the nightmare resuming._

 _He smiled. “Don't worry. I'll still be here if you need be. I just won't be_ here  _ here. If you see what I mean?”  
_

 _She returned his smile and nodded._

“ _Good. Then, sleep well...”_

 _And, with those words, he was gone. The entire world dissolved around her, disappearing with him into blackness._

 _And River finally... dreamlessly... slept._


	2. Days and Nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What was happening as River dreamed. Or how the Doctor spent his nights.

He hadn't realized... Forgotten? Never known...? It would be like this.  _Could_  be like this. Her nails in his shoulder, clutching a handful of hair in her grasp, she arched beneath him, pulling him close. Opening beneath him in silent invitation. And he accepted, pushing slowly into her, drawing the movement out and pausing only briefly as she gasped in pain – and he should have known, if he'd even thought about it, because Nestenes and androids weren't ever attempts to truly deceive.

Then she sighed in his arms, pain returned to pleasure. A whisper of joy against his neck. Control shattered. Pressing forward, in one fluid movement, he filled her completely.

 _Completely._

Mind, body, and soul.

A total joining. A total surrender.

A perfect union.

No longer sure even where he ended and she began... where his pleasure ended and hers began... he moved. Carrying her (Him? Them? Was there ever a difference and did it even  _matter_?) higher and higher until they flew over the brink together.

The world shattered around them; they clung to each other, alone in a universe all their own.

And when, still joined with her in every way that mattered, awareness returned, he could feel the slow steady beating of her heart as though it were one of his, the gentle current of her thoughts, dim and blurred within his own.

He chuckled despite himself. She'd fallen asleep. Which, as a critique, left quite a lot to be desired. Maybe they needed more practice. This really wasn't the worst idea he'd ever had, though.

But then, as she slept, she dreamed...

He stopped laughing.

Because, connected as they still were, he could see with her. Feel with her. A lake in Utah. And a beach. And his hearts began to race with the quickening of hers as he recognized the nightmare.

Sinking still deeper into her thoughts... Into her dream...

Without even deciding to do so...

He went to save her.

-o-o-o-o-o-

Careful not to wake her now that she finally slept, he slowly withdrew from her until just the barest tendril of his awareness remained entwined with hers, guarding against any sign of recurring nightmare, ready to soothe and comfort should it become necessary. Then, shifting his hold, he pulled her to his side, tucking her against his chest. Her heart beat, slow and steady, her thoughts a gentle murmur, submerged in deepest sleep.

He smiled into her hair.

That night, and for many, many,  _many_  nights to follow, safe from nightmares, River slept in his arms. But the Doctor...

The Doctor didn't.

Which was more than okay with him.

She had given him all her days; now she would have his nights.

Besides, he did have a time machine, after all.


End file.
